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Cheap JAP 101

10 Holiday Shopping Techniques that make you look more Thoughtful than Cheap

You can’t use the absence of Daddy’s plastic as a means to avoid giving gifts to those you care about - it’s just not in the spirit of Christmas (or Chanukah…whatevs, I’ve always celebrated both, but I feel really, really guilty about it).

The golden rule of gift-giving on the cheap is this: The more thought, time and energy you put into it, the less money you have to spend. Read on for 10 ways to give the most thoughtful AND least costly gifts this holiday season.

1. Know Your Customers

Anyone worth a present should be someone you’re either bound to by blood (Mom and Dad, siblings, grandparents, etc.) or someone you actually give a shit about (non-frenemy friends and your guy of the moment, provided you’re not just using him for sex). Tailor your gifts to their interests and hobbies; my friend Lucy’s a whiz at baking and a cutesy apron would be something she’d not only appreciate but also actually use.

2. Hit the Outlets

Getting something at 50 percent off its retail price is okay. Getting something at 30 percent off its already-reduced wholesale price is better; it’s not rocket science. Woodbury Commons is a haul and a half but particularly worth it for apparel and housewares. My little bro is a crunchy outdoor freak; something from The North Face outlet would suit him well. For fuck’s sake, don’t wander into the Chanel outlet - you’re not there for you and even at half price, you still can’t afford it.

3. Bookworm it Online

Books as gifts are either totally impersonal or right on point, so make sure the ones you give are the latter. If a friend mentioned she’d recently read and loved Zadie Smith’s On Beauty, she’d probably adore Smith’s first novel, White Teeth. Amazon.com and half.com make shopping at Barnes and Noble fiscally irresponsible. Always go “Used - Like New” - you’ll save at least 10 bucks and no one will be the wiser.

4. Get Festive with Fleas

Flea Markets are fab for unconventional, interesting and/or cheap finds, provided you’re buying for someone unconventional and interesting. My G.M. (grandmother - we’re into abbrevs in my fam) collects antique small boxes because she’s super chic and uber cool. The Hell’s Kitchen Flea Market should provide me with an array of options.

5. Think like a Guy

That is, when you’re buying for your guy. For fuck’s sake - even if his wardrobe needs a facelift - don’t buy him clothes. That’s his Mom’s job. Your job is to distract both of you from the inevitable stress of the holiday season with sex. If you’re a whiz in the kitchen, infuse a little dirty into your domesticity - cook him dinner in your sexiest shoes and bra-and-panty set, and make him watch. If cooking’s not your bag, hit Babeland for some inspiration - I highly recommend the massage oil candles. A sweater might last longer than an oily rubdown followed by hot sex, but it’s not nearly as memorable.

6. Holiday Market Mayhem

Holiday Markets are chock full of unique, non-brand name stuff, and most of it’s on the lower end of the price scale. If you’re on the hunt for hats, gloves, leather goods,
jewelry, candles, decorative bowls or vases, et. al., don’t go anywhere near a Bloomies or a Crate and Barrel. Get your tush to one of NYC’s many Shopping Villages
(I’m partial to the one in Union Square). Your recipients will be too thrilled by the originality of their presents to care about the lack of a gift receipt.

7. Buy in Bulk

Buying in bulk works if you’ve got a crew of friends who are all equally important to you, and can’t afford to drop a ton on each of them individually. I bought my
seven besties cheesy friendship rings for our five-year high school reunion last May - they squealed in delight, fought over the colors and still wear them. The rings were $10 bucks each - $70 bucks is a small price to pay to gift seven fabulous friends.

8. Go Small, Save Big

Department stores are good for one thing during the holiday season: free samples. Find the least bitchy, most gay guy in the make-up department, make him your friend and buy something from him. As he’s packing up your purchase, inquire about other products you’d looove to try; you’ll leave with at least five samples in hand. These - along with travel size products from budget beauty supply stores - can be re-distributed to anyone in your life with a product fetish.

9. Give the only acceptable Gift Certificate

Most gift
certificates stink - they’re impersonal and usually only cover a quarter of the price of something you really want. An iTunes Gift Card on its own is practical, but an iTunes Gift Card that suggests a specific band or CD means you took the time to assess your recipient’s music taste and figured out what they’d like. Use the “gift message” box to recommend something; s/he’ll be touched by the extra step and won’t even notice that the gift card only covers the cost of one CD.

10. Wrap it Right

You know how we eat first with our eyes, and that’s why restaurants make our food look pretty? Same thing goes for gifts - if it’s wrapped in standard, boring holiday paper, it’s a little less special. Use some of the cash you’ve got left over from gifting on the cheap to pretty up
your purchases with ribbons and stuff. Then use the rest of it to buy something for yourself, because your selfless ass has earned it, girlfriend.