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Splurgy Poo

New Year, New Bag

Like adolescence in Almost Famous, New Year’s resolutions are a marketing tool, mostly for weight-loss conglomerates (see Jenny Craig, Valerie Bertinelli). You can’t just wake up on the first of the year and decide to quit smoking, or to stop being so vain and judgmental, or that you can’t change the dudes you date.

Ain’t gonna happen, beotches. You can, however, use the New Year as an excuse to start working toward a new, massive, awesomely crafted and terrifically overpriced leather tote. Like curbing a nicotine habit, bettering yourself or working through an emotional shitstorm, finding the right handbag is a long, arduous journey. It requires extensive research and - as handbags are one of the few items you can’t scrimp on in the land o’ Cheap JAP - a whole lotta dough.

I’ve worn the hell out of my Botkier for four years straight. Over the next few months, we will sift through the contenders for its replacement, ultimately developing a list of five finalists from which to choose. The minimum qualifications for entry follow.

Size Matters
As my waitressing job is funding this endeavor, this bag needs to be big enough to accommodate my heinous uniform, even more heinous black sneakers and - for good measure - my little P.O.S. iBookG4.

Don’t Trend On Me
Though BagTrends.com hits the nail on the head when it comes to what’s In, I can’t afford something that’s Out next season. This thing needs to last me at least two years, and anything “art-deco inspired” or in “crinkled patent leather” just won’t cut it.

Logo, No-Go
Bags with a Louis Vuitton print or a Prada triangle are JAPpy in the worst way, and not just because they scream “I’m trying too hard.” They’re effing boring. No one should be able to look at your bag and immediately know what it is and where to get it.

More qualifications and pictures of our first contenders to follow. Cheers to the hunt.