CheapJAP

Love With Hate Icing

The Top Five Looks that get you Kissed and not Roofied on New Years Eve

OMG, New Years! Aren’t you, like, soo excited?! I mean, there’s an entire website devoted to the Eve, where you can conveniently purchase overpriced tickets to booze at underwhelming bars - yaay!
Barf. New Years Eve is perhaps the most asinine holiday ever, second only to Valentine’s Day in forcing people to settle for ugly, mediocre hook ups. Of course, you’ll be out with the masses anyway; a good Cheap JAP never forgoes an opportunity to dress up. When the clock strikes midnight, I’ll be stuck in waitress garb serving the dessert course (and hopefully $42 glasses of ‘96 Veuve), so you bitches better look uber awesome for my sake.
New Years obvs promotes slutting it out, wardrobe-wise and otherwise. If that’s your bag, go for it; I’m not going to judge (you whore!). But if you’re not into roofies or herpes, and just want to dress cool, read on for five looks that’ll start your year off with a bang…stylistically speaking.

1. The Glitterbug
If you’re headed to some sweet ass club for some jumpin’ jumpin’, lose the jeans and go minidress. Note that when I say minidress, I do not mean something that requires Bridget Jones’s girdle and/or duct taping your boobs. Minidresses are for showing off legs, yes. This doesn’t give you the excuse to go short and strapless, hooch. I’d rock this little white number (Madonna for H&M, originally $50, snagged on sale for $35) with dark, textured tights and ankle boots.

2. The Dining Belle
If your New Year’s involves a prix fixe menu, (kudos to you for planning ahead, btw) take it up a notch for the holiday. Fitted, high-waisted trousers and tight pencil skirts don’t just scream class; they serve as a deterrent from stuffing your face throughout the evening. You don’t want to ring in ‘08 feeling bloated now do you?

3. The I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit
There’s an outfit for apathy too, and at its as easy as a wifebeater and your fave jeans. For crappy dive bars or lame parties, the wifebeater is where it’s at. Go sexy by wearing only a pretty, colored bra underneath (add pumps and big earrings - I’m partial to hoops, then again, I’m from Jersey) and letting the slightly transparent beater work its magic. If you really don’t give a shit (respect), go badass by layering a camisole underneath your beater and adding boots or Converse and one or two accessories (leather cuff, scarf, whatevs).

4. The Little Black Dress
If you’re lucky enough to ring in ‘08 at some exclusive, upscale party (the kind of parties I’ll throw when I’m loaded, straight outta Gatsby), you’ll probs be surrounded by rich dudes, and they’ll probs be total tools. This doesn’t mean you can’t get a free dinner out of the least tool-ish of the bunch, so break out your best clutch, priciest shoes and find a black cocktail dress like this one (H&M, $40). It doesn’t look exciting here, but it fits me like a glove and wows the crap out of everyone. I’d initially considered moving the Little Black Dress to the splurge realm as it’s an uber important go-to garment. But if I found one for $40, you can too.

5. The Quik Stop
If you’re invited to, like, nineteen different parties and you absolutely MUST put in an appearance at ALL of them, you best be wearing flat shoes and a kickass coat. This one’s Twill Twenty Two ($300, but really free because coats are for parents to buy). Something similarly awesome could be found at any legit thrift store for considerably less. Wear a coat of this ilk with straight leg pants tucked into flat boots, and you won’t be the one bitching and moaning when you can’t catch a cab to your next destination.

The terms “slutty” and “style” clash because one means dressing to impress guys, the other means dressing to impress yourself. This New Years, boldly go where few women have gone before and don’t slut it out. You might find that not dressing like you’re a sure thing ensures you’ll have plenty of offers to shoot down, come midnight.