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Cheap JAP 101

White Hots (and Nots)

For me, white has been the new black for quite some time - it goes with everything and has the added bonus of making its wearers stand out. Perfect for attention junkies like me. While I wear white tanks, tees and blouses all year round, I don’t eff around with the color below the belt until Spring/Summer. Why? Because white becomes increasingly difficult to pull off as one goes from torso to toe; a little tan (and a tight tush) go a long way. Behold, a guide to the White Hots and Nots of warm weather wares.

Jeans - White Hot
The color itself might be unforgiving but denim - even in white - tends to minimize icky things like cellulite and pantylines. Not that we have any. (At left: Twist skinny jeans, $11.95, Beacon’s Closet).
Dresses and Skirts - White Wary (oy, alliteration OOC today)
Legs need to be tan and toned, obvs. Shirtdresses work best for all bods. Maxidresses and long, peasanty skirts are a go for you bitches who aren’t vertically challenged. But be wary of anything mini, strapless or scoop-neck. The standard rules for dresses are mandatory where white is concerned - the thinner you are, the shorter/tighter/lower you can get away with. Unless you happen to be 105 lbs and have (what are obvs fake) boobs, in which case you can go to hell. Nothing sluttifies a white dress like a serious rack, so consider your yabbos in this regard.
Tees - White Hot
Every JAP needs a perfect white tee - JAPtastic brands like Michael Stars, James Perse and Three Dots go on sale at Bloomies at least once a month, and GAP has come a long way in terms of fitted basics. While white tees are warm weather necessities, this does not excuse blowing $60 on something that will be pit-stained in two months time. Buy them cheap or on sale. Or better yet, cheap AND on sale.
Bikinis - White Not
No, no, and no. Don’t even think about it. I don’t care how hot your bod or even your tan - if you don a white bikini, you will have a water-related mishap ranging from nipple poppage to Brazilian exposure. And don’t give me that, “Oh, I don’t go in the ocean” bullshit, because that’s just crazy.
Shoes - White Wary
One of the few fashion rules I abide by is No White Shoes After Labor Day. All-white heels and sandals are an idiotic purchase, particularly for New Yorkers using public transportation. Wedges with white accents, however, are def White Hot. Particularly these Steve Maddens, which I want, like, now.