The Do’s and Don’ts of Online Shopping
Generally speaking, I’m just not that into online shopping. I think it’s a cop out (also a one-way ticket to credit card debt). Shopping requires blood, sweat and tears, people, not logging into your shopbop account, clicking the SALE, Marc by Marc Jacobs button, duping yourself into thinking the Party Girl Starburst Tote is more than a plastic bag with strategically placed holes, and hitting “Add to Cart.” Pardon my French, but you’re an asshole.
I kid, I kid - even the most materialistic nine-to-fivers can’t always muster the energy for a live-action shopping experience. Here’s what can and can’t be bought online.
Handbags: DO
Provided you have the dimensions and (if the bag isn’t pictured on a model) a tape measurer handy so you can envision it on your arm. Designer-discount bags are a whole hell of a lot easier to find online than in Century 21 - if I Blueflied, this Kooba Corseted Bag would probably be why.
Denim: DON’T
A big fat EFF NO. Some might think the uber-hot Rag & Bone Ankle Jean, originally $225, is totally reasonable when reduced to $157.50. You know what’s not reasonable? Blowing more than a hundred bucks on jeans you haven’t tried on yet. As denim purchased online is rarely asstastic, you’ll convince yourself that the jeans look better than they do before wearing them, um, never. And don’t give me that “I’ll return them” BS - if you’re too lazy to shop in stores, you’re def too lazy for a trip to the post office.
Dresses: DEBATABLE
Anything strapless and/or special occasion-oriented is out - if you’re jonesing for some DVF, that’s what Loehmann’s is for. However, where casual, summer dresses are concerned, online shopping’s a total go. The linen, flowery maxi-dress pictured is a mere $19.99 at oldnavy.com - yaay!
Shoes: DO
Provided you’re familiar with the brand and whether or not it runs true to size. If you’ve got a solid hour and a half to kill, sift through the options on zappos.com (avoid the couture offshoot; pricewise, that shit is wack). For a quick purchase sans 30 page views, hit stevemadden.com; the fab heel pictured retails for a bearable $99.95.
The Ironic T-Shirt: DON’T
Not because it isn’t occasionally amusing. Not because it needs to be tried on for size. Because you’ll wear it once, and then realize you look like an idiot.
Bikinis: DEBATABLE
Online or otherwise, bikinis should always be purchased as separates - you can’t look hot on the beach if your suit gives you side-boobage or a saggy ass. As trying on bikinis in fluorescent dressing room lighting tends to be a hateful experience, snagging separates online isn’t a bad move. Particularly if they’re as cheap as this (insert song here) Yellow Polka Dot Bikini from Charlotte Russe (top and bottoms, $14.99 each).
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