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Big Brown Bag, Big Brown Bust

Growing up, Bloomingdales was to me what Saks is to my mother: Mecca. I’d gaze at the throngs of brand-name clad twentysomethings and think, “Someday, when I live in the city, I’ll shop here, and be just as stylish and loaded and vain as those girls.” I couldn’t effing wait.

In my epilogue, I’ve got the style and the vanity thing covered. I’ve even managed to look as loaded as the JAPtastic fashionistas who once inspired me. But I stopped seeing Bloomies through Rose-Colored Oliver Peoples long ago. The Memorial Day Weekend sale reminded me why.

One has two choices when braving the hordes of wannabe-bargain shoppers at Bloomies’s Memorial Day Weekend Sale; pricey, fab designer wares or cheap, fugly second-tier brands. Even at 30% off of its already-reduced price, a Nanette Lepore blazer is still upwards of $150. Even at 30% off its already-reduced price, a $40 Hard Tail tracksuit is still a Hard Tail tracksuit. If I’d had a minimum of three hours to spend, I might have found something akin to an $80 Marc Jacobs top. I might also have gone insane in the process.

If you’ve got a few hundred to burn, then yes - a $380 DVF dress reduced to $200 isn’t half-bad. But at the moment, I’m not willing to spend $200 on anything that isn’t a massive leather handbag. The only way to survive a sale on this scale is to have a game plan and stick to it; if you can’t stop thinking about those Paige White Skinny Jeans that were full price a few weeks ago, get in, buy ‘em, and get out. Otherwise you risk blowing a lotta dough on a lotta heinousness. Don’t even get me started on the shoe section.