Fashion likes to stick it to us regular gals by using 5′11” waifs to distract us from one of the cardinal rules of getting dressed: DRESS FOR YOUR BODY TYPE. The following trends have the uncanny ability to make even runway models look bloated, so unless you’re a flat-chested, lanky, scrawny young thang (Kleenex is not a snack, dollface), don’t even bother.

1. Pantaloons
AKA Fancy Pants, Pirate Pants, Bloomers, etc. Wait, you want me to wear something that makes my hips and thighs look like big, billowy, trouser-clad tree trunks? I don’t give a shit if it tapers at the ankle – that’s worse. That is not expertly playing with proportions – that is giving myself a fat ass ON PURPOSE.

2. The T-Shirt Dress
Belt it, add boots, vests, weird headgear, whatevs. Doesn’t change the fact that you’re wearing an oversized tee shirt; the term “schmata” was invented to describe shit like this.

3. Ombre
AKA really expensive tie-dye. While this trend isn’t necessarily unflattering re: your bad, it’s uber unflattering re: your bank account. I mean, how often can one wear something tie-dye? Once a month? At a hippie theme party? Egad.

4. Shoulder Pads
Guess who Menswear doesn’t look so hot on? Women with boobs. Shocker! A gal’s upper body can handle volume in the chest area, or volume somewhere else – this is why babydoll dresses make well-endowed women look preggers. Don’t mix shoulder pads with your girls, ladies. They just don’t mesh well.

5. Goth Grrrl
Break out that deep berry lipstick from high school – goth is back, and masquerading as Dark Angels and Lace LBDs. Black is a flattering color, generally speaking. But here’s the thing about black lace, velvet and fishnets – even the high-end stuff looks cheap. And creepy. Also, transparent, lace sleeves have been known to cause sausage-arm syndrome. I’m just saying.