I’m a Zoe Report subscriber for amusement purposes only, and yesterday’s ass-kissing homage to Derek Lam’s $3950 Tie-Dye bag did not disappoint. It also contained an ad for Rachel’s “basically fabulous” list of wardrobe essentials. Let’s see what the maharajah of self-promotion’s latest Must-Haves are, shall we?

Firstly: “Essential” and “basic” are synonyms, so the title The Not-So-Basic Guide: 20 Wardrobe Essentials is inherently problematic. That being said, grammatical correctness isn’t exactly requisite for the celebrity style skill set, so I’ll let that one slide. Moving on.

Zoe says:

When it comes to footwear, a nude shoe is just as crucial for your collection as an amazing black pump.

A $300 nude shoe, that is.

Yes, this L.A.M.B. Z-Project Platform Pump is the bomb-diggity, but $300? Beotch please. You can get L.A.M.B. for less at Burlington Coat Factory (I’ve seen it at the Chelsea location); Century 21’s also a solid bet. If you’re not the kind of label whore who requires a L.A.M.B. nude pump, consider the below alternatives:

Dolce Vita Beam Pump, $143.95; Charles by Charles David Turvey Platform Pump, $134.95; Nine West Bonfire Pump, $88.95.

Chinese Laundry Keep Up Suede Pump, $72.90; Laura Brandon Patek Pump, $86.32; Harajuku Lovers Ian Pump, $89.90.

Stay tuned for more retorts to Zoe’s reports. Muhaha.