When I’m thrifting, I make it my biznass to keep an open mind. Almost everything comes full circle in fashion; what I find might not be In now, but it doesn’t mean it won’t be all the rage in a few months. There are, however, a few styles and materials I avoid on account of high sketch factor and general un-wearability.
Here’s my shortlist of NOs:
- keynole, shallow-v, mock-turtle and cowl necklines
- oversized shoulder pads
- boxy tops
- banded-waist sweaters
- anything chenille
- thick, rib knits
Unfortunately, some designers are actually inspired by things better left in the past. My evidence for making such an outrageous claim?
Alexander Wang‘s Pre-Spring Collection.
What, praytell, was the thought process behind these garments? Women are looking way too attractive these days – let’s dose them with schlubbiness? The white number at left features a cropped front, open sides, and a longer back – you know, in case you were worried about having a cute ass or whatever. The rationale for the $595.00 pricetag attached to this fugliness is the “shredded knit-banding” at the shoulders which, I assume, involves a high level of craftsmanship.
Perhaps this pullover evolved out of necessity.
Caring about your model’s health and well-being is such a drag. Put her underweight ass in this sweater, and you can claim ignorance when she collapses from starvation. She looked ten pounds heavier! How were you to know she’d been on the iceberg lettuce/cotton ball diet for three whole days?!
Onto the beige, v-neck pullover. A banded waist. Are you fucking serious? We already have hips, goddammit, and accentuating them stopped being cool in the eighties. Looks like Marc Jacobs finally has some competition for that Ignorance of the Female Form award. Egads.
The boxy, mock turtle pullover at left amounts to two offenses in one. Possibly three, taking the Jacquard into account. Jacquard is a technique for adding volume to a garment via a raised pattern or something. This $495.00 sweater is worse than a cookie: There’s no sugar high, and it STILL makes you fat.
Lastly, we have the cropped mock-neck tank – a nostalgic nod to our grammar school days, back before periods, boys or breasts.
Somebody skipped the class on proportions in design school. Ditto for the one on common fucking sense.