So. Last summer, the zipper on my treasured American Apparel Dark Wash High Waist Jean Cuff Shorts broke. I blame myself – I’d yanked them down too fast on account of really having to pee. I also blame American Apparel for selling rigidly constructed 100% cotton denim shorts with ZERO give for $58.00 a pop and cheaping out on zippers. Jackholes. Where was I? Right – jean shorts.
I bought an equally overpriced replacement pair from Urban Outfitters by BDG to remedy the situation. Same dark wash. Thinner fabric. And one inch shorter.
Let’s talk about that inch.
The official moniker here, BDG Dree High Rise Cheeky Short, is all too appropriate. Cheeky. Is that supposed to endear us into thinking it’s cute and cool to wear shorts that fail to do the one thing any garment qualifying as pants is supposed to do, which is cover our ass? The butt cheeks aren’t just highlighted here – they’re fully visible.
You’d be hard-pressed to find a pair of shorts on Urban’s website that doesn’t showcase the lower region of the cheeks. It’s like the side-boob. Only with butts.
What’s going on, Urban? Did you erroneously hire a lingerie designer instead of someone capable of making real, live clothing? Is there a collab between you and Victoria’s Secret of which I’m unaware? Is the theme of your spring/summer collection ‘Crotchtacular Crotchtacular?’
Look, I’m all about body confidence, so much so that I convinced myself to buy and wear a pair of shorts like those pictured above last summer. The greater-than-usual number of catcalls thrown my way immediately upon wearing them only affirmed what I already knew. (Catcalls, FYI, are not compliments – they’re a pastime engaged in by disgusting, insecure men designed to remind women that we’re not people so much as pieces of meat.)
I felt uncomfortable and vulnerable as a direct result of my pants, or lack there-of. I was over-ass-sposed.
Does protesting against cut-offs that necessitate a Brazilian bikini wax pre-wear make me a bit of a prude? Possibly, and I’m okay with that.
I’m not as okay with spending another $58.00 on American Apparel jean shorts though, so if you have any un-cheeky alternatives, I’m all ears. :P