The Art of DIY Bondage Dressing

I’m not a huge Trend Whore, but every so often something of the In ilk catches my eye, particularly if it’s something with which I’m already familiar. According to ELLE, Bondage Dressing, a.k.a. S&M-inspired Fashion, is the next big thing for Spring.

I’m no dominatrix; I’m from South Jersey. This means toeing the slutty style line is in my blood.

In the interest of not investing more than $20 on this experiment, I crafted a dress in the spirit of the trend.  My blank canvas was a Beach Coverup from Target’s Merona line ($17.99) purchased exclusively for the occasion of DIY Bondage Dressing (i.e. I wasn’t sure how the thing was going to come out and didn’t want to eff up something I already owned.)

I initially tried embellishing the dress with black electrical tape; sadly, the one thing the tape doesn’t stick to is fabric. No dice with the all-weather duct tape either. But before I tackled the bodice detail problemo the thing needed straps, pronto. It was during the strap-making portion of my crafting that I figured out the whole shebang.

A Slutty Dress in Ten Easy Steps

Materials: 1 solid, light-colored, cotton or jersey-knit Tube Dress, 1 Black Bra, 1 pair Scissors, 2 pairs grey and/or black Old Tights. Also, a television.

1. Take scissors to one pair of tights. Cut tights in half, then cut a long strip out of one of the legs, roughly two inches in width. Repeat until out of material.

2. Repeat above for other half of first pair of tights, then subject second pair to Step 1. Both pairs should be hacked into a pile of long, two-inch wide strips when you’re done. This will take some time. I highly recommend the Hoda and Kathie Lee hour of the Today Show for fabulously entertaining albeit entirely useless background noise.

3. Using scissors, poke four holes in topmost tube portion of dress, two in front, two in back. We’re making crisscross straps here, people, so try to get the spacing right. Put on the dress and visualize if need be.

4. Thread a tight strip through one of the holes in front and double-knot it around to secure. Tie your knot as close to the end of the strip as possible, then trim any loose ends of said knot. Repeat for other front hole. Thread the knot-secured tight strips diagonally through the opposite holes in back. Do NOT knot to secure.
5. Set approximately half of the tight strips aside for later. Take one from the pile you’re currently working with; knot it end-to-end with the dress strap. Repeat on other side, then repeat again, alternating sides, like nine thousand times. When you’re finished with the pile, you should have two very long strips of knotted material of around equal length hanging off the back of the dress. Trim any loose knot ends as before.

6. Flip dress over. Poke two holes middle and bottommost part of the tube portion of the dress, leaving an inch or so of space between said holes. Thread one of the remaining tight strips through the two holes so both ends of the strip are on the outside of the dress. Pretend it’s a shoelace or something.

7. Knot two tight strips end-to-end with the middle strip. Repeat, alternating sides as before, until you’re out of tight strips. Trim any loose knot ends as before. You should now have one very long strip of knotted material hanging off the front of the dress.

8. Get naked (!!). Don your fave black bra. Calvin Klein’s Stretch Microfiber Push-Up is my go-to, in part because it has convertible crisscross straps. (Loehmann’s usually has them in stock for around $24, marked down from $39. You’re welcome.) Put on the dress and maneuver the shoulder straps so they crisscross in back.

9. Now it’s time to Make Like a Taco and Wrap. Take an end of the front strip in each hand; pull up. Crisscross around the back of your neck. Bring the strip around front; crisscross in vicinity of waistline. Repeat Taco Wrap process, crisscrossing around front and back, working your way down slightly each time. When you can’t wrap anymore, knot the two ends of the front strip to secure.

10. Bring the ends of the back strips around front, and give them a downward tug to determine how fitted or loose the top portion should be (I left a little bra showing because its consistent with the trash factor of the trend, but to each her own). Crisscross in front underneath boobs, then Taco Wrap around torso and waistline until out of material. Knot loose ends to secure.

On wearing anything overtly sexy, the Laws of Fashion claim less is way more than enough.

Newsflash, ELLE: When you coin a look Bondage Dressing, you forgo the authority to speak on things like taste. My feeling is, if you’re gonna go balls out, go BALLS OUT. Dominatrix-inspired Fashion is just like Halloween: An excuse to dress like a slut and get away with it. So shorten the hem, let the bra hang out, add badass boots, do whatever you gotta do to feel uber hot in the trend.

I mean, aside from cracking a leather whip or whatever. That’s just scary.