You are all undoubtedly aware of my position on celebrity style: Its obvious irrelevance to your life and mine continually results in my inability to give a shit. Alas, my unwillingness to engage in smack-talking fashions donned by famous peeps, particularly during award show season, is none too good for my traffic stats. In the spirit of compromise, I believe I’ve come up with a strategy that is both (a) relevant to the culture of celebrity in which we live and (b) true to my view of criticism as unfunny unless deserved.
The glaring exception to the above are the Fug Girls – intelligence and writing skills go a long way in an industry riddled with authorities lacking in both.
For evidence of the rule – that those who can’t do, criticize – we must change the channel to E! and watch “Fashion Police: The 67th Annual Golden Globe Awards” in its entirety.
Stomaching the self-important dribble of the cast -
Joan “My face is the greatest punchline ever” Rivers; Jay “I’m GAY! Look at my POCKET SQUARE!” Manuel; Khloe “I love my sister’s D-list celebrity/ I hate her for being prettier than me” Kardashian Odom; Giuliana “There’s one thing better than being a famous person, and that’s being thinner than famous people” Rancic
- requires a steady supply of tequila, which I had the good sense to purchase for last night’s occasion.
It’s high time these hacks got a taste of their own medicine.
The dialogue inspired by the below celebs isn’t just a series of vapid, predictable attempts at humor and/or at making fashion deeper than it is. It’s a window into the souls of those spouting it. Today, we deal not with text, but with subtext. E! Fashion Police: Welcome to Judgment Day.
JOAN: She was in Inglorious Bastards… oh my god, and that’s what she should call her design team! Not even a chuckle from these people. I’d shoot them a look that says LAUGH NEXT TIME OR ELSE but I’m having some trouble moving my face.
JAY: The ruffles into the high waist, it was ill-fitting on her body. And really, who takes designers seriously enough to actually don a dress from the runway? That works like never. But that’s between me and my private thoughts.
GIULIANA: It was off the runway though. Which means she’s thin enough to actually wear something designed for anorexic models. HATE HER.
JAY: You did NOT just say that. But you gotta be careful with what you take from the runway to the red carpet. Authority accomplished. Thank you lucky pocket square!
JOAN: Considering she just gave birth to a baby… she looked… I will not say Fat I will not say Fat I will not say Fat… pretty good, ya know. But the ass, I mean… IS FAT! HAHAHA! I am losing my SHIT over here and NO ONE KNOWS! THANK YOU FACE!
JAY: I love the mermaid silhouette. I think it’s a perfect selection for someone who just gave birth. Giving birth. That’s disgusting.
KHLOE: She looks like Cinderella. I made a comment! Yessssss.
JOAN: Look at those bazookas of hers. I thought she was smuggling in two orphans to sell to Angelina Jolie! I. Am. Brilliant.
JAY: My biggest problem with the dress is the color… the beige doesn’t suit her… also, are those boobs or just fat? Or are they one and the same? I never know these things!
KHLOE: So much is wrong here, and like, just like the back fat and everything, I mean like we all have it but I think you just have to know how to dress for your body… if this asshole holding the camera zooms in on MY back fat…. my inner monologue isn’t quick enough to finish this thought. Whatevs. I’m on TV!
JOAN: It looked like Prince’s old purple prom dress… which he let me try on when we blew lines back in the eighties! Oh Prince, you DOLL!
JAY: Here’s the thing: She always looks better when she wears a longer bodice. In fact this made her look really short, like long legged/short-waisted… it didn’t fit well. Sometimes I get lost in my words.
GIULIANA: She’s too pretty for this dress… and by ‘too pretty,’ I mean ‘I see cellulite.’ Ha.
JOAN: She needs a subtitle person with her, that accent – I don’t know what she’s talking about! These Europeans… something’s up. Penelope, Sophia, that French chick… what’s in the water over there? I want it NOW.
JAY: This dress was fit beautifully, but guys, did you guys not think the mystic tan was a liiitle much? I should have been tanning on the beach with Javier. This hetero thing is so last season.
KHLOE: She’s frolicking on the beach with her hunky boyfriend all day long! Is two months into marriage too early to cheat on your husband?
JOAN: First of all, what is that growing on her shoulder? It should be lanced. I didn’t know that word until I saw it listed as part of my last procedure. Cosmetic surgery: Inspiring AND educational.
JAY: I think it’s art, I really do think it’s art. Donatella paid me to say that. LOVE HER!
KHLOE: Besides the sea urchins, the dress is perfect… OMFG I think I just used a, what’s it called, a metaphor? But it’s like coral growing on the woman’s body… another one, eek! But other than that it’s stunning. I sound smart on tee-vee, naa-na-naa-na-naa-naa.
GIULIANA: I obviously like the shoulder growth, so I gotta disagree. I thought shoulder growth would make my arms look smaller which is why I’m rocking this ridiculous oversize bow but, oh god, did I commit a faux pas too?! They’re looking at me and they hate me. Stop looking at me. STOP LOOKING AT ME.
JOAN: She brought two of her own golden globes! Did Jay say that already? Too bad, I’m stealing it. I’m Joan RIVERS. I do what I WANT.
GIULIANA: They were hanging out all over the place. I didn’t even see her face. Blinded by the faaaaat…I SO could have been a singer.
JAY: Well that’s what I said on the red carpet was that she brought her golden globes… Take THAT, Rivers…No wait I’m sorry I love youuu… I agree with you Joan. Please don’t eat me.
KHLOE: I mean the hair, the dress, is awful. But I fluctuated my weight, I know she does too, but I think I dress to what my weight fluctuates. I don’t speak English. I speak DIVA.
JOAN: She looked divine, she looked… another word for Fat, what is it?… heavy… YES, very… but it doesn’t matter. But it should. It’s hurting my eye lift. MAKE IT STOP.
KHLOE: I think she is a bigger woman, but I mean definitely a beautiful bigger woman. AS IF!
GIULIANA: She looked happy, she looked confident. I mean, you knew she was gonna win. Can we move on now please? All that well-fed confidence is making my stomach growl. Again.
JAY: THIS is how you do cleavage. See? It’s simple. Just be thin!
JOAN: It looks like Scarlet O’Hara made that dress. I do not know who this person is and I’m texting Melissa to find out.
KHLOE: For someone as tiny and thin and beautiful as she is… I hate her more than Kim… I mean if she can’t pull it off who the hell is gonna wear something like that? That’s it. I’m getting gastric bypass.
GIULIANA: You guys are not gonna believe it but I think the dress is beautiful. This was actually a best dressed nominee of mine! Maybe if I stalk her and lie about my age we can be besties, and then people will start to think I’m tiny and thin and beautiful too!
JOAN: Adorable. Cute. Pregnant. When did actresses stop planning their pregnancies around award show season? Those were the days. Perfect look for a woman in her trimester… or Mariah Carey. Aaaand I’m BACK. Zing!
JAY: With a lot of women who are pregnant, they wear these long flowy dresses… I kind of like the length. It suited her well and I really love the bodice and the asymmetry. Do NOT throw up JAY, DO NOT THROW UP, think happy un-pregnant thoughts, like licking the peach fuzz on Robert Downey Jr.’s baby-soft buttcheek…Mmmmm!
KHLOE: See just because you’re pregnant, you don’t have to look old. I can’t WAIT to be preggers and eat EVERYTHING. Like i think this dress makes her look so old, I wish she was in a gown, like, you feel pretty-pregnant, not old-ugly-pregnant. I’ll be pretty-pregnant… but not as pretty as Kim. Bitch.
GIULIANA: Matronly. I thought she looked matronly. And massive, hello?! I know she’s pregnant. But it’s no excuse.
JAY: Did you want her in something like skin tight? Must… Stop… Nausea… Ommmmm. Robert Downey Jr. Robert Downey Jr. Robert Downey Jr… Chase Crawford! YES!
JAY: Well he had a bit of a cold… Ice Ice Baby… he was actually flying out here on my flight… and he told me after we joined the mile-high club, tee hee, I WISH! I didn’t like the skinny tie. But I did like the fact that he wore a pocket square! He’s so young, so nubile, so inspiring. Sighs.
GIULIANA: I thought he looked super sexy, really great… I’d so be his cougar He’s definitely one of my best dressed nominees for men, and I love the hair off of his forehead, I mean sometimes it comes forward and I think it looked really nice that way. It looks like he just had SEX. With ME. Mrrow!
JOAN: I thought she looked very good… I mean for someone who bought from the Ellen DeGeneres collection! A man’s haircut and no plastic surgery is a mockery of the temple that is the red carpet. The nerve.
JAY: It looked cheap… kinda like Khloe… I mean it wasn’t well constructed.
KHLOE: The material is so cheap-looking… I would know… and, she just looks so uncomfortable in it though. I never am!
GIULIANA: She is such a funny woman but sadly, you know, the dress was funny too. No it wasn’t. It’s not funny that someone that ugly gets to be famous and I don’t. It’s not funny at all.
JOAN: She looks a little bust-heavy in this…Bust-heavy. I just pulled a fabulous new adjective for obese out of my fat-sucked ass! But she’s a gorgeous girl. And Melissa was pretty before her nose job. HA!
JAY: I think the problem here is this beautiful contrast waistband – which i’m a huge fan of – it’s not quite an empire waist – it’s just a little awkward… aaaaand I’m tapped out of officious style terminology.
KHLOE: I think she’s pregnant or I hope she’s pregnant and if so…oh, she’s not pregnant… Oopsies. I hope they still ask me back next year!
JAY: I think it’s totally where this band is hitting her… Cut to commercial, I can’t keep us afloat much longer!
GIULIANA: And this cut on a lot of women does give you this pregnant look. I mean, you gotta be careful. We’re all assholes. Oh well. At least I’m the thinnest asshole here.