The latest denim endeavor that is the Baby Bell Bottom raises a few questions. Is it a way for fashion savvy toddlers to engage in flower child style? Is it another adjective for Boot-Cut, a screamin’ nineties trend better left in the past? Is it a veiled warning designed to suggest that eating an abundance of low-calorie cheese snacks enlarges the size of one’s ass?
The real answer is far more disheartening than all of the above. The Baby Bell Bottom hearkens back to the least flattering pant style ever conceived. It’s a cut clinically proven to cause distress, mood swings, crash diets and bitterness related to genetic inheritance. A cut designed to make anyone under 5′ 9″ look and feel like a bloated rhinoceros. I’m talking, of course, about capris.
I bet Karl Lagerfeld was like Oooh, I know vat vee can do to make zee womens eat less of zee candies and zee sweets. Vee can make a pant zat looks good on only models and tell zem it’s IN. Zey vill never look good in eet unless zey are as tall as zee models, but who cares? Zey will buy eet, hate zemselves, eat less, and b theener and happeeir. Vere ist my afternoon boiled feesh snack?! Lagerfeld, I’ll get you someday, and your little gastric bypass too. But I digress.
To be fair, some capris are more attractive than others – those of the loose harem pant ilk have the bonus of making your calves look smaller. Fitted denim capris a la the Baby Bell, however, defy certain laws of proportions and as such, must be avoided at all costs.
For J Brand‘s attempt to revive the capri via the Baby Bell see below:
The Gigi is a “mid-rise cropped flare inspired by the runway.” I’m assuming this nod to high fashion is why it costs $180.00.
J Brand’s tips for donning the impossible? “Wear it retro with clogs, be feminine with sexy heels or be too-cool-for-school with ankle boots.” So If I wear the Gigi flare with sky-high stilettos or other types of elevated footwear a la the model, I might have a fighting chance of looking halfway decent. What if I pair it with flats? It’s a casual pant, yes?
Yes. A casual pant that, when paired with walkable footwear, gives your shape the appearance of having gone through a box crusher. Sounds fun.
Thank you, J Brand, for re-reminding me of how short I am. Methinks I’m going to leave your runway-inspired style where it belongs – on a model’s body, not on my own.
Stocky wasn’t IN last time I checked.