As Long As We’re Broke, The Eighties Will Reign

Last night, while hammering ruched strips of cotton and hemp canvas onto my bedroom wall in an attempt to mimic a technique seen at Urban Outfitters, I left the tv on for entertainment purposes and ended up listening to The Devil Wears Prada on FX.

In addition to showing the film, FX aired some original – and I use that term lightly – content in the spirit of the subject matter: Fashion tips for a Fashion movie! Said tips consisted of subpar self-tanning advice and an ELLE editor gushing on Spring Trends. “Exotic” a la Safari Garb, “Future” a la Metallics – same shit, different shovel. Then I heard the following:



Well, we’re bouncing back to the eighties, if you can believe it; cropped tops, shorts, jumpsuits, and a lot of skin.

I couldn’t help but notice a wee condescending chuckle let loose by the editrix hack as she discussed more than a few of my favorite things. She wasn’t excited by this Eighties muck – she was a teensy bit peeved, and here’s why.

The backbone of any Trend is its inherent inaccessibility; it must be something women don’t already have and can’t reasonably afford. A Trend is the cookie jar on top of the fridge, and we’re the little kids: We’re not really hungry, but the fact that we can’t reach it ensures that we want it.

Where Eighties garb is concerned, my continual kvelling isn’t a mark of clairvoyance. I heart the Eighties because it’s the most scissor-friendly style in existence.

Want to play with layering? Cut a long tee into a crop top. Need jean shorts for spring? Snip the legs off an old pair. Not feeling that mock-turtle anymore? Hack up the neckline and BAM! off-shoulder top accomplished. Don’t feel like buying new pants? Throw on some tights under those jeans shorts. Oh, and leave all the above unfinished because you can’t afford a tailor, and you sure as shit can’t sew. Monetarily-speaking, the Eighties is toxic to the world of Fashion: It’s a Trend you can own in its entirety without ever spending a dime. So why would the Industry endorse it?

Fuck if I know, and double-fuck if I care. Marc Jacobs probably got inspired by some chick he saw on street in a shorts/footless tights combo or something. What he and other designers seem not to have realized is that we don’t wear such combos to be edgy; we wear them because we don’t feel like spending money on a new pair of pants.

I view the suddenly-In status of the Eighties as a role-reversal of sorts. It might just mean Shoppers are finally starting to commandeer the world they shop in… a world once controlled by Fashion.

Viva la Resistance.