Melrose Place Makes Slut the New Black

Okay, so sex sells. I get it. Fashion and prostitution have a successful symbiotic relationship; there’s Dov and his slut-loving American Apparel ads; there’s Calvin Klein’s orgy-implied billboards. And there’s the way in which women of the 18-25 demographic dress on TV. Let’s take a looksee.

In a vacuum, I don’t have a problem with cut-out tops and low-backed minidresses. But when the slut factor inherent in said garments is thrown in my face, I get a little nauseated. Apparently, the dude being straddled by one of two hot chicks isn’t enough to imply a threesome – we need to see the word Menage in print to really get what’s going on. Ooooh! How naughty!

Okay, okay – so maybe the promo shots for Melrose Place have to slut it out – their job is to get people to watch a nineties-era show, after all. It doesn’t necessarily mean the female cast members’ entire wardrobes are as scandalous… right?

Riiiight. I’m going to give the women of LA the benefit of the doubt here and assume the above isn’t your everyday attire.

Alas, there’s something more than the overuse of orange going on in the girl-bonding shot.

It’s as if the producers were like, “Shit, how do we make the one non-white chick on the show look ethnic AND hot?….Belly dancers! Belly dancers are super hot! Tell wardrobe we need that midriff showing 24/7. That’s going to be her schtick.”

Directly to the right, we have the image titled, A Study in Backstraddling.

Cleavage-baring top? Check. Mini skirt? Check. Stripper shoes? Check, but the shot’s still missing something… Fuck-me face? Yup, that’s it.

That’s acting, right there people.

Does Melrose Place exempt its cast member with the most U.S. Weekly appearances from the same garb it imposes on its lesser-known starlets? Hardly.

Does Ash Simpson-Wentz have a phenomenal post-baby bod? Yes.

Is she not wearing pants in either of these photos? Also yes.

Would I want to win a Melrose Place wardrobe? Totally.

As soon as I start my pole-dancing career.