The Sock Man Cometh

Pop Quiz: At 10 p.m. on a Friday evening in a sleepless city, you find yourself with nothing to do and nowhere to go. You…
(a) Mass-text your buds to orchestrate an evening of bar-hopping and boozing.
(b) Tweet inane things and catch up on DVR.
(c) Hightail it to The Sock Man for a blissful hour of legwear browsing.
I found myself in this very situation a few weeks ago: I obvs chose (c). Yes, I’m an occasional anti-social loserface. I’d also rather satiate my tights obsession than pay for overpriced drinks.

The Sock Man is open till 11 on Fridays, but I arrived a full hour before closing time so as to not piss off the notoriously surly owner. About five minutes into my browse, a gruff, ponytailed, Rip-Torn esque dude asked me if I needed any help. I politely declined, as I prefer to browse in solitude so as to not be influenced by salespersons (a move learned from watching Mom get talked into crap she didn’t need by over-make-upped Saks employees). I realized Rip Torn was Marty, a.k.a. The Sock Man himself, when he launched into a tirade to no one in particular about an excess of hangers received earlier that day. One of his employees Yes Sir-ed him back to relative calm, not that his outburst distracted me in the slightest from his stellar selection of tights.

While The Sock Man sells Hue and Calvin Klein tights in dark solids and small prints for less, you can’t hit the store without buying at least one pair of the fabulously outrageous ilk. Neon-yellow skulls, feisty fishnet, electric blue tie-dye, comic-book print and glitter-happy gold abound. I initially settled on a pair of sheer black stockings with opaque zigzag detail and a pair of army-print tights. Then, as I moved toward the register, a pair boasting gray and black handguns against thick white material caught my eye. I had to ask Marty for a closer look, as they were behind the register and out of my reach. The notoriously surly Sock Man’s eyes lit up at my inquiry.
Sock Man: You want to see the ones with the handguns?
Me: Yup. They’re amaaaazing.
Sock Man: These are Sock Man originals. We design and screen them ourselves. This print’s my favorite.

At $20, the handgun tights were among the priciest in the store. But – between their being (a) the coolest pair of tights I’d ever seen and (b) the key to winning over the cold black heart of the Sock Man – I just couldn’t say no.

Viva la ludicrous legwear (alliteration, too ).