Are You Stupid Enough to Buy These Leggings?
I’m at a loss as to how to explain the sorry state of leggings today. Perhaps the influx of ludicrous styles can be attributed to fashion’s penchant for the avante garde.
Look, I’m on board with pushing the envelope. I think a high WTF quotient is often the difference between meh and cool. I believe in weirdness. And if the leggings below were affordable in any sense of the term, I’d feel less compelled to attack them for their impracticality and general heinousness. They’re not, and I don’t.
The offensive numbers attached to leggings of the high fashion ilk are cause for a serious verbal smackdown. Let’s get to it.
If Young, Fabulous and Broke is the name of your brand, one would think you’d attempt to cater to your monetarily challenged consumer base. One would be wrong, particularly where the $225.00 Adele Sequin Leggings are concerned. I’m sure a lot of time and energy went into saturating the garment with shiny plastic circles, but that doesn’t mean I give a shit. The most unsettling thing about these leggings – shockingly enough – isn’t the fact that they’re exclusive to Studio 54. What concerns me most is the waistband. This built-in butt camisole makes figuring out a top pairing that much more impossible. Appropriate ass coverage is a common issue faced by leggings enthusiasts, but for fuck’s sake, leave it up to us.
Herve Leger‘s Signature Essential Leggings appear to be a basic stylistic interpretation: I’m just wondering why they cost nine hundred and eighty fucking dollars. The fabrication is described as “ribbed mid-weight jersey,” which is a classy way of saying 90% rayon, 9% nylon and 1% spandex. Since they’re not crafted from the skins of baby Mediterranean monk seals, I’m assuming their cost can be attributed to the hidden ankle zips, which are presumably 100% platinum. Perhaps the crisscross banding at the waist is a feat of leggings engineering of which I was previously unaware. Perhaps not. Moving on.
Nightcap Clothing‘s Motorcycle Leggings offer another iteration of the built-in butt camisole: This time, it’s long enough to pass as a mini skirt. I’m guessing the extra fabric utilized in the leggings construction coupled with the authentic leather trim accounts for the $198.00 price tag. Also, what’s with the built-in knee pads? Do these provide extra cushioning for administering fellatio on a hard wood floor?
Whether or not you interpret Gryphon‘s Fair Isle Leggings as sweatpants or long underwear is irrelevant. It’s like Gryphon was like, “Hey, how can we make a pair of pajama pants cost $390.00? Leather piping on the sides!” Way to go, Gryphon. I wouldn’t don Hot Chilly’s alone, but slap a fugly print and some leather piping on them, and who knows? Maybe I’ll reconsider. Maybe you’re an asshole.
The marriage of carpenter pants and spandex is a rocky one, if David Lerner‘s Cargo Leggings ($176.00) are any indication. I wonder what these look like with the pockets filled. “My thighs are too thin” wasn’t among feminine body image concerns last time I checked, but fuckyouverymuch for creating a garment that doubles as a fat injection. Awesome.
The American Retro Soko Leggings ($276.00) are the Magic Eye equivalent of bottoms. Stare at them long enough, and you’ll eventually see a pair of ugly overpriced pants.
The Kirrily Johnston Silent Trees Knit Pants were conceived in the spirit of celebrity criminals. On the off-chance that Lindsay Lohan serves any jail time, it’s nice to know she won’t have to spend it in an unflattering neon jumpsuit. These aren’t just like-so-hot-right-now: They’re $316.00, which is enough to deter other inmates from rocking her prison style. Phew.