CheapJAP

Economic Shitstorm

How To: Sell Your Old Clothes

Most people donate the clothes they no longer wear. (By “donate,” I do NOT mean take out with the trash. Don’t add to the dumpster heap that is our earth, fools). That’s the obvious, socially and environmentally responsible, post-closet purge choice. Being an inherently selfish person, I prefer to sell my duds to Beacon’s Closet for cash or store credit instead.

Beacon’s isn’t as discerning as your standard Consignment shop, but they still continually neg some of my thangs. Should you choose to sell (at Beacon’s or elsewhere), use the following guidelines to filter your castoffs:

1. The Gently Worn Factor: No rips, pilling or pitstains.

2. The Brand Factor: For thrift stores, it doesn’t matter if it’s Theory or Forever 21 - if the tag is recognizable, it’s got a better shot of selling. Consignment and/or designer re-sale shops (really, does anyone know the difference?) are considerably snootier. So unless you’ve got a Marc Jacobs blazer you’re sick of (like that’s even humanly possible), I’m not making any promises.

3. The Seasonal Factor: Do you buy linen in winter? Neither do the stores you’re selling to. Just omit the obvious stuff - no flannel button downs if it’s summer, no sarongs if it’s as effing freezing out as it is today.

I obvs filter effectively to maximize what Beacon’s takes off my hands. This time around, they priced my wares at $123.55. In exchange, I got 55% of that number in store credit - $67.95 worth of thriftastic treasures. I could have taken 35% in cash ($43.24), but that would have been stupid. My store credit resulted in…

…an uber-girly, white ruffled top ($14.95); a slightly ridiculous (let’s just say avante garde), light blue, puffy-sleeved blouse; a pair of legwarmers (Foot Traffic, $12), and, drumroll please…

…a STELLAR pair of Olsen Haus pumps. I’d be totally on board with the Vegan shoe thing if green brands like Olsen Haus didn’t retail for around $225. Are you effing kidding me?! It’s not even leather!

Whatevs Olsen, I got your overpriced plastic for $19.95. HA.

My haul came to $62.85 of my store credit. To sum up: I got rid of old clothes AND bought new ones with ZERO dollars of my own money. How d’ya like them apples?!

*See this nationwide Consignment/Thrift Stores Directory so you too can reap the benefits of cleaning your closet.

Cheap JAP 101

How To Order from Uniqlo

Here’s the Heat-Tech Top layered under the Puffer Vest for a truly Uniqlo-riffic (ooh, that was rough) combo.

…it’s a snowbunny…it’s a frigid bitch…it’s…WINTER JAP! And she’s here to rescue you ladies from Uniqlo deprivation.

“What’s the story with Uniqlo and online shopping? I’m in TX (howdy!) and no where close to an actual store.”
From Functional AND Fab: More Uniqlo, 2008/11/13 at 5:41 PM

An excellent question, cowgirl. I was initially perplexed by this myself: While you obvs shouldn’t need to live in NYC to feel the Uniq-love too (okay, this is getting out of hand), the online shopping situation is more than sketchy. Unless you’re fluent in Japanese, in which case, have fun converting yens to dollars.

This took me a solid half hour to figure out, but that might just be because I’m technologically ’special.’ You’re welcome. Here’s the deal: Uniqlo doesn’t use played-out verbs like “Shop” or verbose phrases like “Browse Apparel.” They’re cutting edge, people. To see the goods is to explore the untapped world of well-made clothes at reasonable prices. Hence the EXPLORER button. (Located under the Product & Style tab on the upper left side of the homepage, url: http://www.uniqlo.com/us/).

After you’ve officially entered the labyrinth, you’ll likely be looking for a means to itemize and consolidate your choices; something commonly referred to as a “Shopping Cart.” There is none. In the spirit of elusiveness there is, instead, a “List” to which you add your potential purchases. After making your selections, you’ll likely be looking for a “Checkout” button. There is none. To purchase your goodies, you have to do something kind of awkward and icky and antiquated. You have to pick up the phone, dial (877) 4-UNIQLO (toll-free) and talk to a real, live human being. Soooo old school, right?!

The toll-free number goes directly to their Soho store. Uniqlo suggests confirming the availability and pricing of your intended purchases via email before you order (customer.orders@uniqlo-usa.com), but I was told this was an unnecessary step when I spoke with a salesperson earlier today. Just give ‘em a ring, and be ready to recite the names/colors/sizes of what you’re ordering (I knew that list had a purpose!)

Enjoy your Uniq-clothes (Oops. I did it again).

Economic Shitstorm

The Cheap Jean Scene

It was only when I started getting unsolicited compliments on my Forever 21 jeans that I let go of my inner label whore enough to wear them with pride. Now look, I heart JAPtastic denim as much as the next brand snob, but not enough to pony up $200 every time I want new pants. Here’s how to navigate the world of low-cost jeans without looking like a wannabe or (gasp!) even remotely cheap.

Beware the Back Pocket

Know why brands like True Religion, Citizens of Humanity, Joe’s, Sevens, et. al. get to charge upwards of $200 for their goods? Because of that label you’re so eager to slap on your ass. In an effort to compete with coveted labels, reasonably priced denim companies often attempt to mimic horseshoes, JJ’s and such; buying into this is akin to ponying up for a fake Louis Vuitton on Canal.

With cheap jeans, simplicity is queen; the less design-y crap, the better. DKNY and Levi’s know how to not junk up the trunk. Levi’s 505 Straight-Leg Jean, $34.99; DKNY Stretch Soho Boot Cut Jean, $59.99

Mind the GAP

The GAP’s apparel bores me to tears, but they’ve been making reasonably priced jeans for years - Respect. And where style and fit are concerned, they’ve come a loooong way.

If you’re one of those paranoid jean freaks who believe cost relates to quality, these are for you: Still under $100 and totally well-made.

GAP Super Bell Jeans, $78; GAP Grey Trouser Jeans, $69.50.

Color Me Trendy
Jeans embellished with rhinestones, zippers and/or glitter tend to always look trashy, be they Versace or Bebe. Conversely, colored denim and/or trendy jean styles (uber-high-waisted, super flare, baggy boyfriend, etc.) look fab on the cheap.

It is generally considered unwise to purchase expensive experimental denim, as hot pink jeans probs won’t do it for you next year. Go to funkytown with Forever 21 instead.

Forever 21 High-Waist Straight Leg Jean, $22.80; Forever 21 Ria Skinny Jean, $29.80.

Classics Rock
Some brands are above trends and/or the temptation to jack their prices; they remain timeless, and eternally cool. Calvin Kleins, Levi’s, and Guess - the upside-down triangle era Guess - come to mind. Heart these eighties throwbacks here.

GUESS Beverly Jean, $89.

Nifty Thrifty

How To Shop a Flea Market

This past weekend, I hit the P.S. 321 Flea Market in my hood. Shopping a flea market is similar to shopping a thrift store in that it requires a discerning eye and a ruthless intolerance for bullshit. Alas, fleas offer a surplus of junk; finding anything decent can be an exhausting endeavor. To ensure that I always score something, I rely on the following techniques.

Pre-Flea Preparations
Have some moolah on you - fleas don’t take debit cards, doy. I’d recommend $100 in cash; while jewelry and clothes run uber cheap, $50 can often net you a legit JAPtastic bags and/or pair of shoes. The time it takes you to run to the ATM is the difference between these Bruno Magli and/or Miu Miu shoes being yours or someone else’s. Also, wear something thin/skimpy enough so you can try things on over your clothes - dressing rooms not included.

Reconnaissance First
Survey the flea scene before blowing your load on anything you have lukewarm feelings about. Do a lap, reassess, then go back for whatever you can’t stop thinking about. Conversely, if you see something you absolutely must must have, buy it on the spot. I found a kickass black, woven leather belt ($25) I intended on buying post-browsing. When I returned to the vendor ten minutes later, some hippie chick had already snagged it. Bollacks!

Be Picky…Very Picky
The organized vendors are the best vendors; if a table is a hodgepodge of books, teacups, sunglasses and pins, it’s not worth your time. Slowly back away, and move on to the spaces that are easier on the eyes. Unless you happen to have seven hours to kill, in which case, dawdle away.
Continue reading →

Cheap JAP 101

How To Wear Confidence, 24/7

I’m no trend whore, but I certainly like to experiment. Alas, playing with trends - like any other risk - can be a bit scary. Because fashion risks inevitably result in the occasional flop. Wearing slightly absurd outfits means strapping on a pair on two capacities: 1. The balls to not give a shit about public opinion re: the outfit in question and 2. The balls to feel awesome wearing it. The first part’s easy, because most people don’t know how to dress. The second part - using your confidence to accessorize an outfit that could go either way - is the challenge.

I found this flower-embellished denim jumper at Beacon’s Williamsburg for around $35 buckaroos. If you think it’s borderline ridiculous now, you should have seen it in its original form, i.e. with pants. Even after I chopped it into shorts, I remained skeptical. I put on a belt and gold hoops; I took off the belt and gold hoops. Something was missing, but I wasn’t sure what. So I did what I always do when I’m feeling a little self-conscious about donning new duds. I put on my “Just Sing It” playlist, and belted out some Alanis. Four songs later, I felt like a rockstar, and was ready to take my outfit out on the town.
Continue reading →

Cheap JAP 101

The Top Five Ways to Score at a Sample Sale

It goes without saying that sample sales are scary as fuck. Why? Because the likelihood of taking an “accidental” elbow to the eye from a fellow female shopper increases in direct proportion to the awesomeness of the brand in question. Alas, there are too many JAPtastic labels at 30-70% off this week to ignore the blessing/curse that is the sample sale - among them Botkier (no, NOT “for Target”), L.A.M.B., Alice and Olivia, Generra and Rag & Bone. I must heed my inner label whore and check them out…but not before a refresher course in the Top Five Ways to Score at a Sample Sale.

1. No Time Frames Allowed
I’m sympathetic to the fact that most people are nine-to-fivers, so I’m not going to suggest you take a personal day to get there the second the sale opens (oh, wait…). But you’re not going to find anything decent over the course of a lunch break. If you don’t allow yourself at least an hour of browsing time, you’ll either buy something unnecessary and/or fugly, or leave embittered by your inability to score.

2. Eyes On the Prize
If I’m looking for a big effing awesome tote at a sample sale, I’m not going to putz around with clutches or wallets. Know what you want before you go, and only deviate from it after you’ve assessed and rejected the full selection offered. Should you happen to find what you’re looking for, don’t start browsing on your shopper’s high - you’re too giddy to think rationally, and you’ll end up spending a buttload more than you intended. Continue reading →

Navigatrix

Making TopShop Your Bitch, Part 1

TopShop’s coming, TopShop’s COMING!!! I’m uber psyched. Mostly because they refer to jumpers as Playsuits, which I find totally endearing.

These Playsuits each retail for forty-five pounds. While I doubt they’ll be among TopShop’s Fall Collection, that’s not the point. The point is that forty-five pounds is not forty-five dollars. This brings us to Part 1.

Making TopShop Your Bitch, Part 1 - Pounds Do Not Equal Dollars
It seems more than obvs, I know. But if you’re going to brave the hordes of frenzied fashionistas at their Soho opening, you must first understand and accept that forty-five pounds is the equivalent of eighty-seven American dollars and forty-seven American cents. Again, 45 lbs (what, I don’t have a pound sign) = $87.47. That’s right, friends - almost double.

The only Topshop I’ve ever seen up close were crappy leftovers from the Kate Moss line at Barney’s Scarehouse Sale, so I can’t honestly comment on whether or not the posh quality and design is worth its cost. But you can bet your tush that I’ll be at the store on the day it opens to find out. Stay tuned.

Cheap JAP 101

The Myth of the “Under $100 Outfit”

Sooo, Lucky Mag is running a “Summer Under $100″ story that features - you guessed it - warm-weather items under $100. Kudos to them, for serious. Some of the options, like the $50 Wanted Patent Penthouse Heel pictured, are actually as adorable as they are affordable (def just reached my alliteration quota for the day…whatevs). My problem isn’t with the compilation of under-$100 items; approximately 87% of everything I buy meets that criteria. My problem is with the bullshit Lucky was spouting this morning on The Today Show; that a trendy, fab outfit can be had for less than $100. For any girl even remotely concerned with looking loaded (so, like, all of us) the $100 outfit is an effing joke. Why? Two words: Shoes and Handbags.
A Benjamin is more than enough to get you dressed from torso to ankle, no question. But if I’m wearing $7.99 sandals from Forever 21 and a $14.99 bag from Target along with my cheap ensemble, I am not feeling loaded. I am feeling like I’m wearing Forever 21 sandals and a Target bag. (Addendum: Forever 21 is about short-term trend experimentation, not long-term wear - their faux leather shoes tend to have the lifespan of a gnat.).
I’m not suggesting that one needs a different pair of pricey shoes and a different designer bag for every outfit. I am suggesting that spending $100 on a pair of kickass wedges you’ll wear all summer is a better investment than blowing $100 on a head-to-toe outfit that looks as cheap as it is. Where handbags are concerned, well, you know where I stand. Save your dough for one you’ll wear every day, and raid Mommy’s Closet for evening bags. And if you’re in dire need of a quick bag fix, hit a thrift store. You’ll find something that’s a hell of a lot more original (and a lot less likely to out you as cheap) than anything Isaac Mizrahi for Target.

Navigatrix

Runway Funway (Safari Garb)

Sooo, Safari Garb is - for the moment - utterly In. When I play with trends, I ask myself the following questions, in this order: What’s in my closet? and What trend should I try? Asking these questions in this order forces you to integrate an old item into a new outfit, with the added bonus of halving the cost of trend experimentation. As I recently switched waitressing gigs, what’s in my closet is an excess of white, button-down shirts. Is there a trend that can transform my WBDs from ho-hum to oh, yum? Hark! It’s Safari Garb!
Forever 21’s South Beach Short($17.80, btw) isn’t just fab Safari Garb; it’s a new item that revitalizes my old WBDs (H&M, obvs). Were the wedges as free as my Mom’s belt, or as cheap as the rest of the ensemble? Hells no. But nobody’s perfekt.

Cheap JAP 101

The Do’s and Don’ts of Online Shopping

Generally speaking, I’m just not that into online shopping. I think it’s a cop out (also a one-way ticket to credit card debt). Shopping requires blood, sweat and tears, people, not logging into your shopbop account, clicking the SALE, Marc by Marc Jacobs button, duping yourself into thinking the Party Girl Starburst Tote is more than a plastic bag with strategically placed holes, and hitting “Add to Cart.” Pardon my French, but you’re an asshole.
I kid, I kid - even the most materialistic nine-to-fivers can’t always muster the energy for a live-action shopping experience. Here’s what can and can’t be bought online.

Handbags: DO
Provided you have the dimensions and (if the bag isn’t pictured on a model) a tape measurer handy so you can envision it on your arm. Designer-discount bags are a whole hell of a lot easier to find online than in Century 21 - if I Blueflied, this Kooba Corseted Bag would probably be why.

Denim: DON’T
A big fat EFF NO. Some might think the uber-hot Rag & Bone Ankle Jean, originally $225, is totally reasonable when reduced to $157.50. You know what’s not reasonable? Blowing more than a hundred bucks on jeans you haven’t tried on yet. As denim purchased online is rarely asstastic, you’ll convince yourself that the jeans look better than they do before wearing them, um, never. And don’t give me that “I’ll return them” BS - if you’re too lazy to shop in stores, you’re def too lazy for a trip to the post office.

Dresses: DEBATABLE
Anything strapless and/or special occasion-oriented is out - if you’re jonesing for some DVF, that’s what Loehmann’s is for. However, where casual, summer dresses are concerned, online shopping’s a total go. The linen, flowery maxi-dress pictured is a mere $19.99 at oldnavy.com - yaay!
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Cheap JAP 101

The Bi-Annual Wardrobe Purge

Spring hath sprung, which means it’s time to de-clutter and disinfect. I’m not talking about dusting your apt and scrubbing your oven - that’s what cleaning services are for. I’m talking about ridding your closet of the inevitable uglies cowering out of sight on the far hangers and unreachable shelves. That “Brooklyn” tee you bought when you moved to the borough because you thought it was sooo edgy (guilty)? Buh bye. That cheapie thrift store dress that ripped three seconds after its first wear? History. That Theory pleated skirt that’s neither long enough to look retro nor short enough to look hot? That goes too. Below, a few more tips that make the purge process relatively painless.

Employ the Two Month Rule
If you haven’t thought about a particular item or tried it on in two months, it’s not getting worn anytime soon. This goes double for higher end labels; don’t ever let a tag dupe you into thinking something has a place in your closet. That ill-fitting wrap dress does make you look fat, DVF or no.
Eff Nostalgia
If you were as Greek as I was in college, you’ve probably hung onto some theme party garb. It’s time to trash anything ever worn at a “Pimps and Hos” party. Because you’re a real, live adult now. Same thing goes for your ex-boyfriend’s t-shirt; it doesn’t still smell like him, it smells like you need to get over it. Continue reading →

Cheap JAP 101

The Lone Star Theory of Shopping

Shopping’s the sheez, fo sho. But it requires serious energy that we sometimes can’t muster. This doesn’t mean shopping should be reserved for when we’re at our most bright-eyed and bushy-tailed; it just means we need a way to navigate around exhaustion, PMS, boy drama and/or any other hindrances to our purchasing prowess. When we find ourselves tired, pissed off and confounded by choices, we must employ The Lone Star Theory of Shopping.

The Lone Star Theory is designed for those times when you find yourself wanting to buy something, anything really, but in no mood to putz around trying on things for fun. Those who believe that shopping whilst in a foul mood inevitably results in buyer’s remorse are clearly unfamiliar with the Lone Star Theory. Why, you ask? Because inherent in the Lone Star Theory is a protection against impulse buys. Continue reading →

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Making Forever 21 Your Bitch, Part 3

Inexpensive clothes that don’t look cheap aren’t uber hard to find - if that was all we wanted, we’d hit The GAP and call it a day. But we want cheap clothes that take it to the next level, that actually look like they require Daddy’s Amex for purchase. In order to find such gems, especially in stores like Forever 21, we need to curb our inherent superficiality. It seems counterintuitive, I know; we can still be all judge-y and shit in everyday life, so cool your jets, bub. But if there’s one thing we must exempt from snap judgments, it’s clothing.

Making Forever 21 Your Bitch, Part 3: Don’t Judge a Shirt by its Hanger

Or a pair of pants or a skirt or whatever. You know by now which fabrics, colors, and embellishments to avoid when navigating a Forever 21. What of the blacks, neutrals, knits and satins that remain? If it looks totally cute on the hanger, it’ll probably be totally cute on, right? Wrong. So effing wrong.

When choosing a garment to try on at F21, you must first assess the material and ask yourself where you’ve seen something similar to said garment. Continue reading →

Splurgy Poo

New Year, New Bag

Like adolescence in Almost Famous, New Year’s resolutions are a marketing tool, mostly for weight-loss conglomerates (see Jenny Craig, Valerie Bertinelli). You can’t just wake up on the first of the year and decide to quit smoking, or to stop being so vain and judgmental, or that you can’t change the dudes you date.

Ain’t gonna happen, beotches. You can, however, use the New Year as an excuse to start working toward a new, massive, awesomely crafted and terrifically overpriced leather tote. Like curbing a nicotine habit, bettering yourself or working through an emotional shitstorm, finding the right handbag is a long, arduous journey. It requires extensive research and - as handbags are one of the few items you can’t scrimp on in the land o’ Cheap JAP - a whole lotta dough.

I’ve worn the hell out of my Botkier for four years straight. Over the next few months, we will sift through the contenders for its replacement, ultimately developing a list of five finalists from which to choose. The minimum qualifications for entry follow. Continue reading →

Navigatrix

Making Forever 21 Your Bitch, Part 2

Just because we Know Thy Enemy doesn’t mean we’re ready to take Forever 21 by storm. Entering Forever 21 on a whim for browsing purposes is for seasoned Cheap JAPs only. Try it with your remedial skill set and the masses of garments will chew you up and spit you back into the overpriced boutiques you can no longer afford and you’ll spend the rest of your shopping days in Purgatorial limbo.

In order to have a successful Forever 21 shopping experience, you need a plan. This brings us to Part 2 of making this hussie of a store your bitch.

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