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Sexy Time

Dressing for Dudes

The very idea of dressing to impress someone other than myself is fairly new to me. It’s also effing annoying, because you can’t wear electric blue tights (Foot Traffic, $7 at Beacon’s Closet) if you’re worried about what other people think. So - as an alternative to the T&A method of dressing universally approved by men - I wore this tight/heel combo with a navy American Apparel minidress out on a date. I’m not into metrosexuals, so I don’t expect the guys I date to praise my outfits. But - as committed as I am to fashion - I’m not above wanting to be told I look hot.

Wow. Those tights are really…blue.

Blue. Not hot, not sexy, just…blue. Fine, maybe a second date isn’t the best time to break out the crazy (stylistically and otherwise). As my legs looked rather Smurf-like, I can’t really blame the guy. Continue reading →

Sexy Time

One Bitchin’ Bandeau

A few months ago, I bought a ridiculously low-cut top from H&M. I stupidly tried it on over a camisole and concluded that, with the right bra, I could pull it off without looking like a total hussie. A few at-home outfit attempts affirmed the error of my purchase. With a regular bra, the top looked grossly suggestive; It was as though I’d either forgotten to - or worse, couldn’t afford to - fully dress myself. I tried it on again with a cami; this diminished the slut-factor significantly, but rendered the top utterly unexciting.
American Apparel answered my style query in the form of this $18 bandeau. While I’m totally with the idea the company puts out there via its naughty, young, scruffy, dewy/greasy models - that being in your twenties means occasionally slutting it out and getting away with it - I’m not one to prance around in a bandeau and call it a strapless top. As an undergarment, however, it’s beyond sexy.

Sexy Time

Best. Bra. Ever.

FYI, I hate my boobs (maybe it’s the third nipple…kidding!). Being in between a B and C cup is annoying enough, but my boobs are also set so far apart that they’re closer to my armpits than to my chest. This makes both achieving cleavage and shopping for bras effing impossible.

No one wants to spend money on anything related to their least favorite body part, but when your cotton Calvin Klein bras are more gray than white from constant wear, it’s time for some new underwire. I enlisted the help of my friend Lucy, who’s lingerie collection probably rivals that of Dita Von Teese. I struck out at Victoria’s Secret, as per usual; a boutique was the only solution to my weird shaped boob woes.

We hit Journelle, a new Flatiron lingerie boutique - the first bra I saw was $90. I obvs snorted in disgust and turned to leave. Then this, from Lucy:
“What would you say if I found the perfect pair of jeans?” Continue reading →

Love With Hate Icing

The Top Five Looks that get you Kissed and not Roofied on New Years Eve

OMG, New Years! Aren’t you, like, soo excited?! I mean, there’s an entire website devoted to the Eve, where you can conveniently purchase overpriced tickets to booze at underwhelming bars - yaay!
Barf. New Years Eve is perhaps the most asinine holiday ever, second only to Valentine’s Day in forcing people to settle for ugly, mediocre hook ups. Of course, you’ll be out with the masses anyway; a good Cheap JAP never forgoes an opportunity to dress up. When the clock strikes midnight, I’ll be stuck in waitress garb serving the dessert course (and hopefully $42 glasses of ‘96 Veuve), so you bitches better look uber awesome for my sake.
New Years obvs promotes slutting it out, wardrobe-wise and otherwise. If that’s your bag, go for it; I’m not going to judge (you whore!). But if you’re not into roofies or herpes, and just want to dress cool, read on for five looks that’ll start your year off with a bang…stylistically speaking.

1. The Glitterbug
If you’re headed to some sweet ass club for some jumpin’ jumpin’, lose the jeans and go minidress. Note that when I say minidress, I do not mean something that requires Bridget Jones’s girdle and/or duct taping your boobs. Minidresses are for showing off legs, yes. This doesn’t give you the excuse to go short and strapless, hooch. I’d rock this little white number (Madonna for H&M, originally $50, snagged on sale for $35) with dark, textured tights and ankle boots.

2. The Dining Belle
If your New Year’s involves a prix fixe menu, (kudos to you for planning ahead, btw) take it up a notch for the holiday. Fitted, high-waisted trousers and tight pencil skirts don’t just scream class; they serve as a deterrent from stuffing your face throughout the evening. You don’t want to ring in ‘08 feeling bloated now do you?

3. The I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit
There’s an outfit for apathy too, and at its as easy as a wifebeater and your fave jeans. For crappy dive bars or lame parties, the wifebeater is where it’s at. Go sexy by wearing only a pretty, colored bra underneath (add pumps and big earrings - I’m partial to hoops, then again, I’m from Jersey) and letting the slightly transparent beater work its magic. If you really don’t give a shit (respect), go badass by layering a camisole underneath your beater and adding boots or Converse and one or two accessories (leather cuff, scarf, whatevs). Continue reading →

Sexy Time

There’s Something About Wifebeaters

Today is a good day because I bought a fresh batch of Hanes Tagless ComfortSoft Tanks, a.k.a. wifebeaters. Yes, the term’s derogatory, but that doesn’t count if it’s used for the practical purpose of discussing style. “White tank top” can mean 90 different things; if I say “wifebeater,” you immediately know what I’m talking about. You feminists will have your day on Cheap JAP, but it is not this day.

I wear wifebeaters under almost everything I own. I buy the men’s version because they’re long enough to cover my butt - this means that, in addition to elongating my torso, they can be worn with leggings 24/7. The men’s tanks are also more fitted up top, as dudes don’t have boobs (unless they’re manboobs, but that’s neither here nor there).

Wifebeaters give almost any outfit a more interesting and slightly badass edge. Say you’ve got a pretty cardigan, jeans and some flats. Don a wifebeater under that cardie, wrap a cool scarf around your neck and bam! you’ve gone from ho-hum prep to badass JAP in mere moments.

Wifebeaters look even better when you take your clothes off. Continue reading →