CheapJAP

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Sooo, Intermix is having a sample sale today. As their Top 10 Fall/Winter Checklist is an assortment of $200-plus items, their idea of a “sale” is probs $600 dresses reduced to $300. Sometimes half-off still means ludicrously priced. I’m not expecting to find much, but I’m going anyway. Why? ‘Cause it’s, like, the most JAPtastic store everrrrr.

What: Intermix
Why: Because I like to pretend that “up to 70% off” means something other than “fugly shit no one wants up to 70% off.”
When: Today through Thursday, 9a.m. to 8p.m.
Where: 110 W. 19th (between 6th and 7th Ave). Thankfully it’s near Loehmann’s.

Excessories

Things That Make You Go ‘Oy.’

Ahh Daily Candy - always on to the next big thing we don’t need. Like really expensive hair accessories.

Firstly, the band-around-the-head as opposed to the more traditional band-behind-the-ears isn’t an easy thing to pull off. I can’t wear one without feeling like a hipster-poser and/or a flapper-wannabe; if you can, more power to ya. But if you’re even considering dropping $145 on one of these ban.do headbands, get off my site and get thee to a craft store. Fake flowers, feathers and a hot glue gun should do the trick.

Cheap JAP 101

Brand Wars: GAP Versus Old Navy

Now, I’m using Old Navy for price-point comparison here. This is not to suggest that the brand doesn’t have its fair share of boring and/or nausea inducing clothing. But while Old Navy’s hit or miss, it’s got one thing going for it that GAP better embrace, and fast, if it continues to produce the crap currently on its racks: Old Navy’s always cheap. And - more often than not - it still manages to be cuter than its overpriced comrade.

Button-Front Sweater Vest, GAP, $58. Women’s Striped Boyfriend Cardigan, Old Navy, $26.50. Added Bonus: Striped option does not make wearer look ten lbs heavier. Next.
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Oy Vey!

Why I Hate The GAP

For some reason, I associate The GAP with the coming of Fall. Perhaps this is because I shopped there for first-day-of-school outfits when I was fifteen and didn’t know how to dress. When I stopped in the other day and wasn’t just disappointed; I was appalled. If the chain’s tiresome neutrals, conservative shapes and ho-hum basics were as cheap as they are fugly, I’d be more forgiving. Here’s what a complete lack of imagination is worth, according to GAP: This dress - this heinous, ill-fitting, brown bag of a dress - costs $58.00. Stay tuned for more overpriced/underachieving fashion, courtesy of the schoolteacher’s brand of choice.

Oy Vey!

Cheap Jack’s, Kiss My @$$

In the world of used clothing, there’s thrift, there’s designer-discount, and there’s vintage bullshit. Because I interpret the term “cheap” to mean low-cost and not sleazy, I recently visited Cheap Jack’s Vintage Clothing and should have bolted after perusing a rack of $30 t-shirts. If the tees had been outstanding in some capacity, I might have been open to the idea of spending thirty bucks on something someone had already pit-stained. But these were standard, pilling, beat-up thrift store tees - worth eight bucks, max. I wondered, was the rest of the stuff priced in the same deluded fashion?

Vintage clothing enthusiasts probs applaud Cheap Jack’s for organizing their wares according to decade, and that’s all well and good. The problemo with real vintage isn’t just that it gives its distributors the excuse to charge more based on an article of clothing’s age and history - oooh this mod minidress was actually worn by a Studio 54 regular in 1979, oooh I don’t give a shit - it’s that fit and fabric have come a long way since the 1950s. So more often than not, you’re paying $150 for something that feels like fucking sandpaper.

Now, Cheap Jack’s had a bunch o’ signs up banning photographing the clothes, probs because they want to keep the fugliness of their overpriced vintage bullshit under wraps, otherwise I’d furnish you with evidence of the offending wares. Thankfully, their online store exemplifies the serious disparity in style and cost. This shapeless, vomit - oops, I mean mustard - colored houndstooth combo can be had for the bargain price of…$175. I suppose the fur trim necessitates the cost, as Cheap Jack’s claims it’s mink. To me, it looks like someone hacked up a squirrel and stuck it on a scarf. Next please.
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Hots and Nots

Top Five Most Unflattering Pre-Fall Trends

Fashion likes to stick it to us regular gals by using 5′11” waifs to distract us from one of the cardinal rules of getting dressed: DRESS FOR YOUR BODY TYPE. The following trends have the uncanny ability to make even runway models look bloated, so unless you’re a flat-chested, lanky, scrawny young thang (Kleenex is not a snack, dollface), don’t even bother.

1. Pantaloons
AKA Fancy Pants, Pirate Pants, Bloomers, etc. Wait, you want me to wear something that makes my hips and thighs look like big, billowy, trouser-clad tree trunks? I don’t give a shit if it tapers at the ankle - that’s worse. That is not expertly playing with proportions - that is giving myself a fat ass ON PURPOSE.

2. The T-Shirt Dress
Belt it, add boots, vests, weird headgear, whatevs. Doesn’t change the fact that you’re wearing an oversized tee shirt; the term “schmata” was invented to describe shit like this.
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Oy Vey!

I saw something shocking whilst flipping through the latest Lucky. Pictured in the “Lucky Girl” feature - you know, that page where they show a selection of a 22-year-old PR associate’s wardrobe (you ain’t buying $350 tops on that salary, girlfriend, I don’t care what Lucky says) - was a $190 handbag. As I deem handbags a worthy splurge, my problem wasn’t with the price. It was with the brand. This tote wasn’t Hype, Tano, Fracesco Biasia, or any other legit bag brands that retail for around $200. It was from The GAP.

What the FUCK is GAP doing selling $200 handbags?! If I’m going to blow a few hundred on a bag, you best believe it won’t be as mass-produced and totally vanilla as the shit they sell at GAP. Continue reading →

Oy Vey!

The Fugliness of Filene’s

I took the advice of a few commenters yesterday and made a pilgrimage to Filene’s Basement. That crack you Filene’s fans are smoking is totally laced with hallucinogenics, because it’s duped you into thinking that this dire, sloppy selection of discount designer wares is worth your time. There are many reasons why it’s not; for good measure, let’s break down the top three.

Why Filene’s Stinks Like Poo - A Study

1. Big Names, Little Selection
Filene’s has some decent brands, sure. I was initially wooed by the Tahari, C&C California, Free People and True Religion signs gracing the tops of the racks. But upon further inspection, these brands proved a total cocktease. Almost every article of clothing attached to said brands was either boring, bizarre, played out and/or fugly. Not cool.

2. A Not-Hot Mess
An overwhelming amount of clothes at reduced-reduced-reduced prices is hot. A sale rack with no size or brand consistency is not. If the clothes were half-decent to begin with, I might have found the strength to wade through the overstuffed sale section. But sifting through a shit ton of Jones New York and Anne Klein blazers to find one lame BCBG black top isn’t really my bag, baby.
Continue reading →

Oy Vey!

DESIGNER SLUMDOWN: Urban Outfitters vs. Rendez-Vous by Paul & Joe Sister (for Urban Outfitters…what?!)

Now, I was under the impression that designers collaborated with budget chain stores like Target, Kohl’s, etc. in order to market and sell affordable versions of their high-end (i.e. overpriced) lines. So I was understandably puzzled when Urban Outfitters - a chain that pretends to be a whole lot cheaper than it is - took Paul & Joe Sister’s “middle ground” line, Rendez-Vous under its faux vintage wings.

See, Paul & Joe charges around $500 for one shirt. Oh it’s handmade, oh it’s silk, oh I don’t give a shit. It’s a shirt, for fuck’s sake. Not a handbag. Their overpriced absurdity of a brand must not have been selling well, because Paul & Joe went ahead and made Paul & Joe Sister (great name, guys); a line whose dresses fall in the “reasonably-priced” range of $250-$400.

One would think they’d consider a noticeable price reduction for the line currently being sold at Urban, Rendez-Vous by Paul & Joe Sister (just keep tacking words on dudes, it’s working). One would see this $188 Kenya Safari Jumper and be wrong. Continue reading →

I Love A Good Story

The Perils of South Jersey Boutiques

I kid you not - South Jersey boasts the kind of JAPtastic boutiques that rival the best of Soho. Like my fellow hometown JAPs, I once used the, “What, there’s no sales tax!” excuse to rationalize shopping at such places. My friend Sarah still does. When she mentioned she’d hit Knit Wit - probs the most awesomely expensive boutique I’ve ever shopped - she did so with a wicked smirk on her face.

Sarah donned her purchases for drinks Saturday night. To anyone with an undiscerning eye, she was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. But my razor-sharp JAPdar went on label-alert; she looked too good to have not spent a bundle on her outfit. The jeans were, unsurprisingly, J Brand and - after seeing them in person - I can’t blame Sarah for staying true to her denim snob instincts. They are that fabulous.

When I inquired after the tee and Sarah pretended not to hear me, I knew something was up. I asked again.

-Sarah, is the tee Knit Wit too?
-I can’t even talk about it.
-Why? Did you seriously spend $60 on a white t-shirt?
-Worse. You’re going to kill me. Continue reading →

Oy Vey!

Botkier for Target? Oh HELLS No.

Anyone eagerly anticipating the July 20 release of the Botkier for Target handbag line needs to take a good, hard look at these photos. Witness Exhibit A:

It’s not just painfully obvious that the sparkling, buttery, buckled beauty at left is the real thing; it’s fucking insulting that the gold, stiff, pleather disaster at right is being pawned off as a desirable alternative to its overpriced inspiration. Witness Exhibit B:

If the JPEG placement switcheroo was enough to trick you, you’re clearly one of the sheep who’ll actually buy this crapola and I pity you. Even if the Target-ized version at left is real leather, it’s of the immobile, low-cost ilk. It’s not just the intricate stitching that outs the bag on the right as the real thing; it’s the scrunching of soft, mobile leather around the buckle strap. Versions of its pathetic copy lurk on the corners of Broadway and every other street in Soho and - if you don’t mind looking not-even-close-to-loaded - can be had for twenty bucks.

Last night marked the end of an era for me and my own (real) Botkier bag. Continue reading →

Cheap JAP 101

Sephora No More-A

I used to consider makeup something that couldn’t be scrimped on. I mean, it’s your face, you wear it every day. What’s an occasional $42 for Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer or $29 for Nars Bronzing Powder? $71 might seem a little steep for two items, but it’s worth spending on stuff you use every day, right?
Wrong. So effing wrong. With brand-name clothes, sometimes you get what you pay for; an F21 dress will probs fall apart before a DVF, and that’s life. But with brand-name makeup, I’ve found the opposite to be true: Cost doth not beget quality.
If you haven’t jumped on the mineral/organic makeup bandwagon yet, it’s time. Not because it’s made with natural anti-oxidants and leaves out most of the 100-plus chemicals used in other makeup. Not because you’ll notice a visible difference in your punim. But because it’s so. freaking. cheap. Continue reading →

Label Whore

Seasonal Steal, JAPtastic Brand

When you see the “Now Buying For Summer” sign in the window at Beacon’s Closet, they’re not screwing around; show up with winter stuff to sell and they’ll neg it immediately, regardless of its cute factor or brand origin. This is uber annoying if you’re trying to score some cash on old sweaters, but seriously awesome when you’ve got money to burn on warm weather apparel. When I found these pants yesterday, a part of me was jealous of myself, if that makes any sense. Because they’re not just a pair of wide-leg, linen pants. They’re also not just a pair of wide-leg, linen Theory pants. They’re a cheap pair of wide-leg, linen Theory pants - $22.95 to be exact.
Let’s play a really fun game called What Theory Usually Retails For. The Rease Radar Pants are $215 at Saks (and Bloomies). Shopbop is selling the Linen Emery Pant for $225. And Intermix has the gall to charge $150 for a fucking pair of shorts.
I know, I know - magical things like $23 Theory pants don’t happen every day. But once you accept that spending over $200 on something you’ll wear for three months is slightly insane, you’ll be able to fully appreciate the beauty of the discount designer item. Stop overpaying and start hunting - seek and ye shall find.

Excessories

A Study in Going Out Bags

I’ve got no problem hauling around my life during the day - my tote tends to have everything from Sugar-Free Redbulls and extra packs of Camel Lights to inspirational books my Dad thinks I should read and/or Us Weeklies. But when I’m out at night, I like to appear less high-maintenance than I am. This is why my Going Out Bags are not only small - they’re also hands-free.
Where big, leather day bags are a worthy splurge, I’d never spend anything serious on a Going Out Bag. Why? Gee, let me think - no one notices its fabulousness in dim lighting, beer gets spilled on it, it gets lost in a cab, etc. This is why I shop at thrift stores. Also why I raid my mother’s closet. The red pleather, eighties, wannabe-rockstar purse was $11.95 at Beacon’s; the mini Prada and gold-studded Yves Saint Laurent were, well, $0 - gotta love Mom. All three of these bags can be worn across the shoulder, which leaves my hands free to hold drinks and gesture wildly in conversation.
Now, I’m well aware that clutches are, like, soooo hot right now. If that’s your bag, don’t be a Bag Snob and dupe yourself into thinking the Botkier Lita Clutch is a bargain at $350, crazy face. Urban Outfitters has some reasonably priced options, amazingly enough: Check out the Large Croco Clutch, the Veranda Caning Clutch or the Deux Lux Patent Clutch, all under $50. Now that’s something to hold onto

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Making Forever 21 Your Bitch, Part 5

When I check out at Forever 21, I’m often exhausted, irritated, hungry and, subsequently, in dire need of a cigarette. Still, I wait patiently behind throngs of squealing middle schoolers, tell the mom who hip checks me with her Coach bag not to worry about it, and refrain from rolling my eyes at the girl ahead of me counting out exact change. I don’t do this because I’m a good person. I do it because I know that the moment I see how little I’ve spent continually brings me inner peace. Om.
At least, this was the case before Forever 21 created the evil spawn that is Twelve by Twelve. Continue reading →