CheapJAP

Oy Vey!

The Top Five Things Not to Buy at American Apparel (Unless Shopping for an Orgy)

Let’s start with a few disclaimers: 1. I heart most of American Apparel’s stuff and 2. Not my ass pictured at left. I don’t have a problem with the company’s penchant for provocative photography. I have a problem with the notion that it’s okay to wear the following items in public.

This Nylon Tricot Figure Skater Dress might adequately cover one’s naughty bits, but seriously, come on. The easy-access skirt totally fetishizes jailbait-age ballerinas, and that’s just creepy. Alas, if you’ve got some Ice Capades-related sex fantasy you’re looking to enact, look no further.

This mini-skirt is technically a skort.

Unfortunately, the fact that there are shorts underneath this coochie-grazing number doesn’t make it any less slutty. You’re better off parading around the street in your underwear - at least then you’d be making a statement.

There are few occasions when black and gold glitter don’t scream workin’ girl; this Spandex Nightlife Dress is no exception.

For a White Trash theme party, it’s money. Because this is one of American Apparel’s few items that looks as cheap as it is. Well, this and the Shiny Hot Short pictured above, which is technically part of a bikini. Even I wouldn’t wear these to the beach, and I’m from South Jersey.

Finally, we have the Nylon Micro-Mesh Bodysuit. I’m not sure, but I think the see-through-top-over-black-bra-look went out in 1982 and never came back. (Her nipples are airbrushed out of the pic, btw. I know this because I tried the bodysuit on a few weeks ago). If you want to seduce your dude - look at me in my see-through bodysuit, yay! - then this is an interesting choice. Wearing this bodysuit for any other reason is prohibited. Capeesh?

Cheap JAP 101

The Bi-Annual Wardrobe Purge

Spring hath sprung, which means it’s time to de-clutter and disinfect. I’m not talking about dusting your apt and scrubbing your oven - that’s what cleaning services are for. I’m talking about ridding your closet of the inevitable uglies cowering out of sight on the far hangers and unreachable shelves. That “Brooklyn” tee you bought when you moved to the borough because you thought it was sooo edgy (guilty)? Buh bye. That cheapie thrift store dress that ripped three seconds after its first wear? History. That Theory pleated skirt that’s neither long enough to look retro nor short enough to look hot? That goes too. Below, a few more tips that make the purge process relatively painless.

Employ the Two Month Rule
If you haven’t thought about a particular item or tried it on in two months, it’s not getting worn anytime soon. This goes double for higher end labels; don’t ever let a tag dupe you into thinking something has a place in your closet. That ill-fitting wrap dress does make you look fat, DVF or no.
Eff Nostalgia
If you were as Greek as I was in college, you’ve probably hung onto some theme party garb. It’s time to trash anything ever worn at a “Pimps and Hos” party. Because you’re a real, live adult now. Same thing goes for your ex-boyfriend’s t-shirt; it doesn’t still smell like him, it smells like you need to get over it. Continue reading →

Sexy Time

One Bitchin’ Bandeau

A few months ago, I bought a ridiculously low-cut top from H&M. I stupidly tried it on over a camisole and concluded that, with the right bra, I could pull it off without looking like a total hussie. A few at-home outfit attempts affirmed the error of my purchase. With a regular bra, the top looked grossly suggestive; It was as though I’d either forgotten to - or worse, couldn’t afford to - fully dress myself. I tried it on again with a cami; this diminished the slut-factor significantly, but rendered the top utterly unexciting.
American Apparel answered my style query in the form of this $18 bandeau. While I’m totally with the idea the company puts out there via its naughty, young, scruffy, dewy/greasy models - that being in your twenties means occasionally slutting it out and getting away with it - I’m not one to prance around in a bandeau and call it a strapless top. As an undergarment, however, it’s beyond sexy.

Love With Hate Icing

The Top Five Looks that get you Kissed and not Roofied on New Years Eve

OMG, New Years! Aren’t you, like, soo excited?! I mean, there’s an entire website devoted to the Eve, where you can conveniently purchase overpriced tickets to booze at underwhelming bars - yaay!
Barf. New Years Eve is perhaps the most asinine holiday ever, second only to Valentine’s Day in forcing people to settle for ugly, mediocre hook ups. Of course, you’ll be out with the masses anyway; a good Cheap JAP never forgoes an opportunity to dress up. When the clock strikes midnight, I’ll be stuck in waitress garb serving the dessert course (and hopefully $42 glasses of ‘96 Veuve), so you bitches better look uber awesome for my sake.
New Years obvs promotes slutting it out, wardrobe-wise and otherwise. If that’s your bag, go for it; I’m not going to judge (you whore!). But if you’re not into roofies or herpes, and just want to dress cool, read on for five looks that’ll start your year off with a bang…stylistically speaking.

1. The Glitterbug
If you’re headed to some sweet ass club for some jumpin’ jumpin’, lose the jeans and go minidress. Note that when I say minidress, I do not mean something that requires Bridget Jones’s girdle and/or duct taping your boobs. Minidresses are for showing off legs, yes. This doesn’t give you the excuse to go short and strapless, hooch. I’d rock this little white number (Madonna for H&M, originally $50, snagged on sale for $35) with dark, textured tights and ankle boots.

2. The Dining Belle
If your New Year’s involves a prix fixe menu, (kudos to you for planning ahead, btw) take it up a notch for the holiday. Fitted, high-waisted trousers and tight pencil skirts don’t just scream class; they serve as a deterrent from stuffing your face throughout the evening. You don’t want to ring in ‘08 feeling bloated now do you?

3. The I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit
There’s an outfit for apathy too, and at its as easy as a wifebeater and your fave jeans. For crappy dive bars or lame parties, the wifebeater is where it’s at. Go sexy by wearing only a pretty, colored bra underneath (add pumps and big earrings - I’m partial to hoops, then again, I’m from Jersey) and letting the slightly transparent beater work its magic. If you really don’t give a shit (respect), go badass by layering a camisole underneath your beater and adding boots or Converse and one or two accessories (leather cuff, scarf, whatevs). Continue reading →