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See by Chloe Will Give You Cankles

With the new year comes new advice on how to improve one’s figure. Awesome timing, what with everyone feeling like fatties on account of excessive peanut brittle/fudge/sugar cookie consumption (wait, that’s just me, and it’s my boyfriend’s mother’s baking prowess’s fault.) There’s The Long and Lean Workout! The Strong and Slim Yoga Sequence! The 2-Day Cleanse! The Saucer Size Plate Diet! Glossies seem to have an answer to every arm, leg, thigh, butt and tummy problem in the book, but there’s one body issue that continually goes unaddressed: the lack of a definitive break between the end of one’s calf, and the beginning of one’s foot.

CANKLES.

Cankles cannot be blamed on weight gain. They’re immune to diet and exercise. Either you’re born with them, or you’re not. It seems unfair to critique the cankle, as having or not having them is the result of blind genetic luck. Luckily, donning a pair of sneakers crafted in their likeness remains a matter of choice.

Behold, the See by Chloe Hi Top Wedge Sneaker.

I’m guessing the logic behind its creation went something like this: Hipsters made ugly clothes cool – hey, I know, let’s do it with sneakers! We’ll make shoes so ugly, they’re cool!

The shape of the shoes is offensive as it is, but the color – nude? Really? What the eff are you trying to do, further chunk up the leg by making it indistinguishable from the fucking ugly sneaker to which it’s unfortunately attached?

Also, the Cankle-Tops cost $345.00. Offensive, but still not as gross as the shoe itself. BARF.

Retail Vs. Vintage: Oxford-Inspired Shoes

I recently spotted a pair of SICK

The line coined them Boxxy Suede Booties; I was drawn to them for their oxford-esque appearance, and heavily dig the fact that they lace up the front. What makes them booties anyway, the extra inch of material around the ankle area? Debatable.

I’d been on the hunt for chunky oxford pumps for MONTHS when I happened upon these. Unfortunately, they bore a slightly unnerving price tag of $190.00 – I don’t THINK so. I figured I’d keep an eye on them until they went on sale. They got slashed to $130.00 a few days later, and my size subsequently flew out the door before I could click my way to claiming them. Sadface!

In my experience, trying to find a specific kind of shoe at a resale or thrift shop is an exercise in futility. I always give the shoe section a once over – if I find something decent, yay – but I never go in for footwear alone. I tried scouring for chunky oxfords at Buffalo Exchange – no dice. (The East Village location is in DIRE NEED of cute size 7/7.5 shoes btw. Egads!) Then, I remembered

Wood soles, lace up oxford-styling, contrast stitching, gently worn in sans damage – an awesome alternative to my initial choice, methinks. Cheaper too! The oxford pumps were tagged at $45.00, i.e. $36.00 @ 20% off. Oh, right, I live in New York, where the government recently repealed the no-tax rule on items under $110. Jackholes, all. So my grand total was $39 and change.

Still. In comparison with the $130.00 Jeffrey Campbell’s I THOUGHT I wanted, I suppose I can stomach the tax. For now.

Unrelated sidebar: Everyone hear the news about Alexa Chung’s new show, Thrift in America? Pretty cool that resale’s finally getting some celeb-endorsed TV love. I’m uber psyched to see what PBS comes up with (and to see what Alexa’s idea of shopping on a budget is, obvs).

I just thought the eighteen or so editors who rejected my Cheap JAP book proposal – not because they weren’t wildly entertained by it, but because a “first-time author” writing about an “unfamiliar industry” just wasn’t a wise choice from a monetary standpoint – might want to re-think their argument. And maybe get some balls while they’re at it. Bah!

Squeeze Lemons, Save Feet

A nail technician squeezes lemon juice onto blistered feet. Turn to citrus for fast relief of blisters and cuts caused by stylish shoes. Lemons are magic.